WRONG NUMBER
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem.
But unlike most people she did something about it.
The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.
From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.
At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, "No problem. How many nights?"
A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."
The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.
She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.
Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.
Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."
Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.
People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."
Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."
Received from Steve Sanderson. from The Good, Clean Funnies List
Here's one that actually happened to a friend of mine.
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Parden me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'"
Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know! He said 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Received from Doug Waterfield - Monroe, LA. from The Good Clean Funnies List
SUSPECT
The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to come to the police station to study a lineup of five people. He placed his suspect at the end of the line. Then he asked each to step forward and say, "Give me all your money... and I need some change in quarters, nickels and dimes." The first four did it right. However, when it was the last man's turn to recite, he broke the case by blurting out, "That isn't what I said." Nancy M. Carson
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SELF INCRIMINATION?
Oklahoma City -- Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence. Mike Avery
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EVIDENCE THAT SMELLS
The Dutch have come up with a new way of catching criminals, that's even better than fingerprints, it's called smell prints. Apparently, each of us not only has one unmistakable fingerprint and DNA, but we also have a unique scent that is identifiable. In solving a crime, the police can retrieve an article used by the perpetrator (such as a gun), and extract a smell print from the object in as little as 20 minutes. The smell can then be stored for as long as 4 years. Once a suspect is apprehended, he is asked to wash, and then handle a cloth for a few minutes. The cloth is then placed in a line up and a specially trained dog is given the original smell print to examine. The dog is then asked to identify all the smells in the line up. If the dog finds a match, he barks at the container identifying which one. To make the evidence admissible in court, the process is repeated but this time without the suspects smell. This new crime fighting tool has solved hundreds of cases in Holland, and they are now starting to archive known criminals' smells to compare against outstanding crimes. W.I.S.E.CRAKS
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KISSING FREEDOM GOOD-BYE
Newport News, Virginia -- Criminals are routinely nabbed because they leave fingerprints or stray DNA behind at the scene. A peeping Tom suspect in Virginia left lip prints. Police arrested Robert N. Smith, 41, on Tuesday for allegedly peeping into apartments after the state forensic crime laboratory was able to match his lip print with one taken off a window at one of the apartments. "We get fingerprints all the time, but that's not the case, obviously, with lip prints," Paul Ferrara, director of the state Division of Forensic Science, said Friday. The print was discovered on an apartment window Aug. 18, and a detective lifted the print Sept. 11. Smith was arrested and charged with indecent exposure at the same apartment complex about two weeks later. Police got a search warrant for Smith's lips and found they had their man. The indecent exposure charge was dropped at Smith's trial Tuesday when the chief witness failed to appear, but he was arrested on five misdemeanor peeping charges as he was leaving court. He remains free on bond awaiting trial. He faces up to a year in jail. WhiteBoard News for Monday, December 15, 1997 Joseph Harper Received from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List -=+=- The Good, Clean Funnies List
Disturbing Medical Stories
**Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Lyn Deadmore Taylor, Atlanta, Georgia**
BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.
(OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!)
A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
INNER SKELETON
A 63yr old widow was admitted to the hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20-inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body. PRICKLY PAIR In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..."and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
PING PONG ANYONE?
A 20 yr. old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed...along with a ping pong ball.
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